Ben Whitehair: 23 Years in (roughly) 23 Sentences
1985: DNA is first used in a criminal case
My DNA is created, proving that the fastest swimmers aren't always the smartest...or prettiest.
1986: Democrats regain control of the United States Senate for the first time in 6 years
I regain control of my bowel movements after a disturbing 3-day incident involving my teddy bear and protector, Snuffles, a moldy piece of cheese, and 17 packages of Huggies® Happy Baby diapers.
1987: Prozac makes its debut in the United States
My brother Jake makes his debut in the United States.
1988: The Soviet Union begins it program of economic restructuring (perestroika) with legislation initiated by Premier Mikhail Gorbachev (though Gorbachev had begun minor restructuring in 1985)
I get drunk on root beer and "restructure" the family room, dining room, and kitchen to the tune of $2,342.17. My mother starts taking Prozac.
1989: In Alaska's Prince William Sound the Exxon Valdez spills 240,000 barrels (11 million gallons) of oil after running aground
My brother and I spill 1/2 a gallon of chocolate milk onto the new carpet while celebrating the birth of my sister Nikki by running around the house wearing nothing but towels as capes.
1990: Margaret Thatcher resigns as Prime Minister of the UK
I don't care. I'm 5 and have just learned that I can make the vein in my dad's head pop out if I poop on the floor.
1991: The United Nations Security Council votes unanimously to condemn Israel's treatment of the Palestinians
My family votes unanimously to condemn my treatment of them. I start pre-school.
1992: Windows 3.1 is released by Microsoft
My days as a nerd begin. On a totally unrelated note, I discover porn.
1993: The papal encyclical Veritatis Splendor is promulgated
I lose the 2nd grade spelling bee when I can't spell prumoolgaytid.*
*Editor's note: Ben still can't spell promulgated.
1994: In Honolulu, Hawaii, during a circus international performance, an elephant named Tyke crushes her trainer Allen Campbell to death before hundreds of horrified spectators
I become horrified at what my "little buddy" does when I think about my 3rd grade teacher. My dad explains what a crush is.
1995: NASA loses contact with the Pioneer 11 probe
I lose relative contact with the rest of the world as I begin homeschooling.
1996: Mission Impossible is released
To try and make me feel better about the recent divorce of my parents, my dad takes me see this as my first R-rated movie.
I feel better.
1997: The Detroit Red Wings win their first Stanley Cup championship in 42 years
They still suck.
1998: The UK abolishes the death penalty
This angers a bull named Margaret Thatcher, which tries to kill me during my first ever bull ride.
1999: Apple Computer releases the first iBook
Ben iBooks it to nerd super-stardom as he continues to use his winnings as a cowboy to buy computer parts and build another computer.
2000: The Constitution of Finland is rewritten
My insides are constantly "rewritten" when I play 8-man football for the local high school.
2001: The world's first self-contained artificial heart is implanted in Robert Tools.
I leave my cowboy ways behind and implant myself at Littleton High School, immediately joining the soccer team and making my first friend over a game of Trivial Pursuit. Turns out I knew more about the revolving door than I'd realized...
2002: At a Sotheby's auction, Peter Paul Rubens' painting "The Massacre of the Innocents" (first version) is sold for £49.5million (US$76.2 million)
My innocence is massacred when I receive my very first kiss when my date would rather make out than watch Kevin Costner's Dragonfly. Thanks Kevin!
2003: A total solar eclipse is seen over Antarctica.
My love for performance grows as I eclipses Carrot Top as the "Whitest Guy in America," rapping with Trent Gillaspie about our English teacher for our high school talent show. Somehow, we win Best in Show.
2004: A whale explodes in Tainan City, Taiwan, while being transported through the town to a university for a necropsy
In similarly awesome news, I gradumatate from Littleton High School at the top of my class, invoking the advice of Christopher Walken in my graduation speech. True story.
2005: The Norwegian parliamentary election results in a victory for the red-green-coalition.
I audition before classes even start and score my own victory, getting cast in my first college theatre production: a kabuki-style adaptation of the Norwegian folk tale Peer Gynt, entitled Peeru Gunto.
2006: Embroiled in multiple scandals, former U.S. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay announces he will not seek to reassume his former post.
I find my (now) alma mater CU embroiled in its own scandals, and co-found the Colorado Creed; a social responsibility code with 7 key principles literally set in stone around the campus.
*Editor's note: This is the same year that Ben was deemed Time Magazine's Person of the Year
2007: The International Court of Justice finds Serbia guilty of failing to prevent genocide in the Srebrenica massacre, but clears it of direct responsibility and complicity in the case.
Having been massacred by Organic Chemistry, I re-focus on his acting, joining the Interactive Theatre Project (ITP). *nerd alert* Becoming so intrigued with this theatre for social change, I eventually write my political science honors thesis on ITP.
2008: An extra leap second (23:59:60) is added to end the year.
An extra unemployed actor is added to the society at large (I graduate CU).
2009: Former U.S. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay appears on Dancing with the Stars
I realize the bar to stardom is set low, and move to the City of Angels to continue pursuing my acting career.